Alpha Male

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Updated again (January 2022)!

Many of us who grew up in the 1970s will recognize whom the above image depicts. It is Cheryl Ladd, one of the actresses on the television show Charlie’s Angels. There were about five actresses that I can remember on that show – all beautiful women. It was quite popular at the time, though now the women still seem timelessly beautiful, in some ways the show shows its age in reruns. Since then all those actresses have gone on to other things, and tragically we have lost Farrah Fawcett to cancer over the years. Cheryl Ladd herself remains beautiful, has continued in acting, and has returned to her childhood spiritual roots as an evangelical Christian – and to that I say bravo.

The reason that I show this image is that she represented the physical type of woman that I found attractive in the 1970s. It’s been well said that one of the big mistakes in seeking a spouse for both men and women is to settle too quickly and too determinedly on a certain physical type. Indeed, the one woman from that time period, as I was in my early 20s, that I thought would be the spouse for me, reflected her physical type. It definitely wasn’t love at first sight for me, but it definitely was attraction at first sight, and that drew me to her. I did learn that she was a fellow believer in Jesus Christ, and we did have some sense of shared spiritual interest. In addition, there were circumstances and indications that we both thought were God working to bring us to each other at different times during that part of our lives, though we didn’t end up getting married or even engaged to be married. And in retrospect, I think that we needed to spend a lot more time discussing our spiritual life, goals for the future, and family background in deeper ways over time than we did if we thought that God had anything to do with bringing us together. And I do now believe that there were strengths and qualities of character and experience that she had for which I had definitely less appreciation at the time than I should have. Over the years I’ve learned that kindness, compassion, having a moral compass tuned to scripture, a scriptural and worthwhile mission in life, humor and growing past the baggage of one’s life and family count for quite a lot more than I realized at the time.

Seeking and finding a wife can be extremely complicated for a man in our culture, to say the least. It seems that it may have become more complicated in our modern society than it needs to be, and it certainly has become more complicated in many ways that it was even fifty years ago, let alone a hundred years ago. To a great deal this seems to be tied to the ways in which people nowadays have brought into the whole idea of marriage things which were never there from the beginning and never intended to be there from the beginning.

In May 1994, near the lobby of the Fabrication Plant of General Motors in Lordstown, Ohio, there appeared a brand new vehicle. This was one of the prototypes of the 1994 Chevrolet Cavalier. That make and model was due to be manufactured in that and the Assembly plant which was next door. This was a first look for the engineers and the workers to see what they were responsible for building over the next year. I, among others, went down to take a look at the new make and model. The plant then shut down for retooling over the first two weeks of July, and then manufacturing began in earnest.

I’ve noticed that there are two passages of scripture that pastors trot out when a prominent evangelical leader is caught in adultery. The first, of course, is that of King David’s adultery with Bathsheba. The second is the passage which we will explore. I’m not sure why the second passage is brought out except to encourage married men to work more on their marriages. But the second passage brings out the prototype of marriage from the book of Genesis, and it does serve as a worthwhile starting point from scripture to explore what scripture says about marriage.

Scriptures talk about the oneness of a man and woman in marriage not as an ideal but as a reality. It all starts, as with everything else in creation, in the book of Genesis, the book of beginnings. Genesis starts with the creation of the universe and the creation of humanity and includes the creation of marriage and family also along with the creation of the first humans Genesis establishes that marriage and family were part of God’s plan for humanity from the beginning. It establishes that the first married couple was always intended to give rise to the whole human race. They were the prototype of humanity, of marriage and of family. Genesis establishes that the original design of God included marriage with sexual fulfillment in marriage and family life. That should not be controversial in the least in the church and in this world, but this generation has a severe delusional attraction to trying to redefine and reconstruct what had always been considered incontrovertible. Deconstruction represents a philosophical fallacy and retrogressive procedure due to the simple axiom that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts, and this is true about men, women and marriage.

Moreover, it is a good thing to turn often to the account of creation and the original design of God for creation, humanity, marriage, work and family. Here we will find the starting point to lead us to restoration in this world of sin and confusion, delusion, defilement and cultural insanity. And for those who attend to what God has to say to us in his Word, the Biblical understanding of marriage starting from the beginning of creation will lead to marriage becoming more of the blessing it was created to be for man and woman, male and female, as humanity has been created.

“And the LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make him a helper like himself.” And the LORD God gathered together from the land every living thing of the field and every bird from the sky; and he brought them to the man, to see what he would call them. And everything that that the man would call every living thing, that would be its name. And the man pronounced names for every animal and every bird of the sky and living thing of the field. But for the man no helper like himself was found. So the LORD God made a deep sleep fall upon the man, and he slept. And he took a rib from his side, and he closed the flesh back over it. And the LORD God made from the rib which he took from the side of the man into a woman, and he brought her to the man. And the man said,

“This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh!
So she will be called woman, because she was taken from a man.”

“For this reason a man will forsake his father and mother, and he will hold onto his wife, and they will be one in flesh.”

“And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and they were not ashamed.”

(Genesis 2:18-25, Dale’s sight translation.)

God established marriage as the lifelong partnership of a man and a woman together. There should be nothing controversial or even questionable in understanding marriage as the creation of God for lifelong companionship of a male human and a female human. God created man and woman in his image, and this in itself establishes the equal worth and dignity of man and woman, male human and female human, before God and humanity and all of creation. God established men and women as male and female from creation, and then their maleness and femaleness become the basis of marriage and the basis and bond for lifetime partnership. There should be nothing controversial or questionable about this, as it echoes down to the core of our biology, and the sovereignty, wisdom and infallibility of God establishes that he has made no mistakes in creating each individual human being as either male or female.

The purpose of why God created men and women male and female is that God made men and women to be partners and companions, a race of social beings, and that part of this means that one man and one woman would be the basis of marriage and lifetime partnership. The worth and dignity of God’s creation, then, establishes our equal worth and humanity before God, and even more, our maleness and femaleness as the basis of marriage and the basis and bond of lifetime partnership.

The narratives in Genesis are brief, terse, and to the point. There is real majesty and reverence in the way that they explain things, and they are instantly understandable no matter in which age they are retold and no matter where in the world they are told. Genesis chapters 1-11 in fact find parallels around the world, even where the Bible has never circulated, and perhaps it can be well said that they reflect in someway the universal memories of mankind as to who we are, how we got here and why we are the way that we are.They were never intended to provide a scientific explanation to the origin of the universe and humanity, in the way that a modern scientist would explain the events. Rather, Genesis introduces God as satisfied with creation, except for one thing. In that God stated a problem that he intended to solve. The creation of Adam, the prototype male human being, apparently took place early on the sixth day of creation – whatever that would mean in a credible chronological framework for creation. There was only one thing that he found not good at the outset of the sixth day of creation: the lack of a female counterpart to the man. When God said this, God knew what he was going to do, since he was going to make Adam aware of his lack and his need as well. He gave Adam his first exercise of his authority over the earth in. his naming of the animal kingdom Apparently in this exercise, Adam witnessed both male and female animals. While this was going on, Adam seems to have become aware that for him there was no female counterpart like there was in the animal kingdom for male and female animals. So then, after Adam became aware of his need, the supernatural sleep of God came upon him so that God could supply his need for the suitable helper and partner.

In the order of creation, then, men and women are to be the partners, companions and joint rulers of the created earth. Therefore men and women first of all are to treat each other with love, respect and reverence since men and women are both made in the image of God and because of their rank at the head of creation: And God created mankind in the image and likeness of God, and he created them male and female. And God blessed them and God said to them, “Be fruitful, and multiply, and fill the earth and subdue it, and rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the sky and every living being that slinks along the ground . . .”(Genesis 1:28) . It is highly inappropriate and a crime against the created order for men and women to treat each other with domination, exploitation and devaluation, and that definitely has been the course of human history since the entrance of sin into the world. But this establishes even more that the identities as women and men come from the very beginning, from creation from God himself. And as his personal handiwork men and women are defined by God, the sovereign of the universe, and our worth and identity are never defined or debased upon the basis of rejection of the opposite sex . Nor does any adoration or idolatry from the opposite sex enhance or establish our worth and identity as human beings or as male and female. This then provides a sure footing and a reasonable path to reasonable understanding and happiness as men and women and marriage in itself, with cooperation and compassion from understanding who we are and who anyone of the opposite sex is, especially that one that we face in the lifelong intimacy of marriage. In fact, within the fellowship of the church, there can be and should be the opportunity to come to understand good and godly believers of the opposite sex, so as to counter any kind of idealization or denigration of the opposite sex, or isolation from the opposite sex so as to promote ignorance and naivete.

How beneficial this understanding can be is corroborated by Dr. Lewis Terman’s findings about marriage. Terman, a Stanford psychologist, really seems to have delivered a number of solid findings in his lifetime. So here is one about marriage that seems obvious when you think about, but difficult to live it if you are or have the anti-pattern for the suitable partner. He found simply that the cooperative person is more likely to be happy in marriage. This would be the person of compassion, who works well with those in authority over him or her, always ready to help anyone in trouble. And so, ultimately, this would lead a believer in Christ to understand that Christlikeness and the fruit of the Spirit are the basis of a happy and God-honoring marriage: “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control . . . ” (Galatians 5:22-23).

Terman’s study also found the anti-pattern for a suitable marriage partner as well. In the world of software development, there is a concept called the antipattern: “An antipattern is just like a pattern, except that instead of a solution it gives something that looks superficially like a solution, but isn’t one” (Andrew Koenig). In contrast, the anti-pattern for the suitable marriage partner is the person with the inferiority complex, who is unsure of himself or herself in social relationships, the bossy and domineering person who hates competition, taking orders and losing in any way, and the one with the negative attitude, chronic complaining and anti-authority resistance. It shows some characteristics that show up later in marriages that either succeed and prosper, or which are full of pain and may ultimately fail.

Considered from this perspective, but even more from the perspective of creation, marriage then means the acceptance of another person of the opposite sex as one’s own lifetime partner and companion. It’s as simple as that. God made men and women to choose each other as marriage partners and to choose to live with each other for a lifetime together. While emotion and attraction obviously are part of this, a once and continuous choice is what the bond of marriage was intended to be.

“And the LORD God made from the rib which he took from the side of the man into a woman, and he brought her to the man. And the man said,

“This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh. So she will be called woman, because she was taken from a man.” (verse 23).

It can often be hard for modern readers to see how touching, how elevating and how romantic the initial encounter of Adam and Eve is, as it is in Genesis. It is literally romance, love and marriage at first sight, at the first contact of man and woman. Even more, Adam waxes poetic, in what may have actually been the first poem of creation, when he gave his proposal to Eve. How many miss the understanding that Adam’s proposal to Eve is his love poem to her in this place in Genesis? With whatever headship might have meant in his being the first created human, he used that headship graciously, lovingly and romantically in naming her as woman. This was not a woman hyping her own sex to another woman but rather the first male human created calling the first female human created what she would be.

The meaning is that this would define what she was in relation to him as the female of the human race. Of course Eve would be her individual name and that gave her high rank as the matriarch of humanity and creation in the design of God. Their own oneness would be expressed as humans in complement to each other and as in their marriage. They would have an intimacy and suitableness for each other that not one creature from the animal kingdom would ever have. When they recognized and chose each other, that was the beginning of their intimacy. They chose each and found joy in their choice of each other from the very beginning. What happened here was something greater than the mating dance between animals. Rather, this was the prototype of marriage, which would arise as intended from the loving initiative of the man and the loving acceptance of the woman. And it’s reasonable to assume that the gracious call and mission of God to the newly created couple from Genesis 1:27-28 took place sometime during their very first day – perhaps right at the very close, as the sun was setting on them in the beauty and innocence of the Garden of Eden that God had planted for them. “And God created mankind in the image and likeness of God, and he created them male and female. And God blessed them and God said to them, “Be fruitful, and multiply, and fill the earth and subdue it, and rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the sky and every living being that slinks along the ground . . .”

There should be no controversy in seeing that the design of God is that marriage comes from the recognition and choice of a man and a woman for each other. Most certainly God did not make us to be strong, independent and apart from each other or in opposition to each other, as men and women. Rather, there is a place for attaining strength and independence in human development – preferably during adolescence, as one’s preparation and suitability for marriage becomes established. But this is rather the way station, stopover and a crucial developmental stage for what should be the real destination of lifetime godly interdependence in marriage. Indeed, modern attachment theory, one of the crucial developments in psychology over the past generation, shows how we are hard wired to be connected to each other. Being strong and independent human beings would then mean an investment of that strength in marriage and family and a willing surrender of independence for something greater and better and something for which we were designed in the first place, the interdependence of human beings made in the image of God in marriage as he designed and demonstrated in the prototype.

So here’s what this means for our day and age and what the significance of this is for marrying well for men and women today, for initiating marriages. Building strong and godly marriages from the beginning comes from a series of wise, loving and moral decisions on the path to marriage. Certainly many marriages do come about through immature, unwise, unfortunate and even sinful choices. But since the design and prototype of marriage came from God, this gives hope that even these marriages, can, through the cooperation of both man and woman it can be brought back on the right path through right choices by the Word of God. From the way of creation, then, the loving initiative and leadership of the man to make the invitation and offer the choice seems to be the pattern to begin marriages that would be most normal. But even more then, this establishes that from a godly respect for marriage as the design and creation of God, it is entirely worthwhile that, from the very beginning there be that very decision and determination of the husband and the wife to be the best husband that he can be and the best wife that she can be and to make their marriage before God the very best that they can make it. The incentive to choose this first, from the very beginning of a marriage, and indeed, from the very first embryo of a desire for marriage within the heart of a man or a woman, out of love and respect for God, his creation and his purpose.

From the standpoint of creation and Genesis, marriage is an entirely natural development for men and women because of the way that God has made us as male and female. It should therefore call for many believers in Christ to have a more respectful attitude toward marriage because it came from God, as his creation. Yes, that is God’s creation you’re talking about – have some respect! I’ve sometimes been deeply ashamed at the degrading and cynical attitudes and talk about marriage that I’ve heard from genuine brothers and sisters in Christ. Perhaps it wasn’t all that they expected it to be or what it was; perhaps this is because of personal or family unhappiness and failure in marriage. I did not become so deeply ashamed because of anything that I’ve heard that might have burst a bubble of hyped expectations for marriage on my part. I don’t read romance novels or get my ideas about marriage from romance novels or movies; rather I get my expectations and ideas from the Word of God and from the godly marriages that I’ve seen, and even the viable marriages that I’ve seen among men and women who have no profession of commitment to Christ but still have stable, loving marriages. So, first of all, let’s speak of marriage with respect and dignity that it deserves as the design and creation of God and part of what our lives are as human beings.

Furthermore – and more to come on this – this means that we need to avoid ungodly advice, influence, and outside interference in the marriages and prospective marriages and marriageability of both men and women. I have been further deeply ashamed at the conceit and arrogance which underlies the ungodly way some professed believes will attempt to interfere in the lives and choices of other believers who are seeking marriage and also in the viable, perhaps capably growing, marriages of other believers. But here I will give one simple, Solomonic bit of guidance: “He that walketh with wise men shall be wise: but a companion of fools shall be destroyed” (Proverbs 13:20). Godly advice and support will come from walking with the godly wise and not with ungodly fools, whatever their outward professions of faith may be, and godly wisdom and guidance will come from learning wisdom from God’s own word and growing out of our own foolishness and immaturity and beyond our own foolish choices and attitudes.

There should be no controversy in stating, along with the Genesis prototype, that since marriage is part of how God has created men and women, it will be normal for most men and women. This then gives rise to the normal pattern since creation: marriage has been a separation from parents and family and a new union before God.

Marriage marks the beginning of a new family before God and humanity. There should be no controversy about how a marriage commitment for both men and women means separation and independence from the original family. Marriage means a new relationship and a new intimacy that means a new family. And this means that the marriage commitment supersedes the childhood bond to the parents and establishes the priority of the marriage commitment of the husband and wife to each other has priority over what responsibility and obedience which they had as children to their parents.

“For this reason a man will forsake his father and mother, and he will hold onto his wife, and they will be one in flesh.” (verse 24)

Genesis underscores and highlights something that we often miss today: marriage means leaving home in a very profound way. There is very serious, reverent language her for the new commitment, the union of the husband and wife that forms a new household. This, in a traditional, family centered society such as was normal in the ancient world, was a radical and profound statement. What this then entails is that seeking marriage for someone who has reached a suitable marital age and marriageability means the end of parental authority and leaving behind the status of a child. This did not mean that there would be end of love, respect and even financial support according to the full meaning of the 5^th commandment to honor one’s father and mother. And much more is implied in the leaving and cleaving than starting and maintaining an adult level of physical distance and physical independence to be able to enter into the spiritual, emotional, physical intimacy and attachment of marriage.

But here is something that I have seen far too little of in dealing with this passage of scripture, how it starts a pattern seen throughout scripture: how the man is to leave, seek, find and then cleave to his wife. I note this because I’ve had other pastors gasp when they see this pattern that begins here in scripture and the need that I see to make young men aware of this pattern for their own future and their own happiness as men. I don’t think that this comes to the level of command or precept but rather wisdom based on common humanity. And I think that the fresh realization of this will mean hope for new, viable marriages from those who may have been treated as if they have little prospect or incentive. Even more, I think that this underscores the exaggerated and misleading take that some have had that in Biblical times parents arranged the marriages – and therefore, they should have a controlling interest in the marriages of their children. Rather, I think that the Biblical evidence is that the man sought the wife, and sometimes parents would be involved in setting up the wedding and making the “deal”, especially where there was a dowry or bride-price involved, and that financial interest would involve one or both fathers. Most of the “evidence” for arranged marriages in the ancient world actually does come from marriages that were arranged by a king for his sons and daughters – and that’s a level of authority above what is evident in most of the marriage choices and arrangements that are in scripture.

So here’s where this “leave and cleave” pattern starts from Genesis 2:24. First, some years ago I put together a brief list of Biblical Reasons for Marriage, and Biblical Guidance for Getting Married (Revised). I don’t know of a simple book or booklet that even mentions these; otherwise I would refer you to those. But please look over what I wrote there when considering marriage to anyone. As far as putting together a dating life, please check Henry Cloud and John Townsend, Boundaries in Dating: Making Dating Work and Henry Cloud, How to Get a Date Worth Keeping.

Next, let’s some more look at Proverbs, and the way that several key verses are worded.

Proverbs 5:18-19: “May your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife from when you were a young man,
A loving doe, a graceful gazelle,
May her breasts satisfy you all your life, and may you be intoxicated with her love”

These verses show what seems to be a common pattern in the Old Testament, for marriage to take place when a man and woman are in young adulthood, and for the expectation of marriage to be to seek and cleave to a loving wife. Even more, this definitely indicates that Biblical wisdom means that even for men under the Old Testament, sexual expectations are to be set for and fulfilled within marriage. This would be at odds with the polygamous practices of some of the patriarchs and the kings, this was not the common expectation for a normal marriage. But even more, look at this from Isaiah: “And as a young man marries a young woman, so your sons will marry you; as a bridegroom rejoices in his bride, so your God will rejoice over you” (Isaiah 62:5). Often we may overlook the metaphors and what they reveal about normal circumstances of human lives when the Bible was written and when they’re used for comparison of the relationship of God and his people. But this metaphor, drawn from something from that was assumed to be normal, shows that a pattern for godly wisdom would be to seek, find, leave and cleave to someone you can rejoice in. And for that whole rejoicing in the spouse, there’s the whole book of Song of Solomon that God has given to us.

“A prudent wife is an ornament to her husband . . .” (Proverbs 12:4). Solomon, of all people, sets up a qualification for a wife who is more than eye candy or an arm ornament. He advises something for young men to look for: look for wisdom.

“A house and possessions are an inheritance from parents, but a wise wife is from the LORD” (Proverbs 19:14). There is a tremendous reminder of parental responsibility to leave an inheritance to the children, but an even more serious acknowledgement of the providential provision of a wife with wisdom as being the sovereign gift of God. This underscores the need to seek to find God’s will and provision in the choice of a wife and to acknowledge his sovereignty in providing a wife with godly wisdom.

Now, let’s look at the other situations where there were definite choice from the man to seek, to leave and to cleave throughout scripture.

Esau: He seems to have been without parental guidance for a godly choice or flouted any guidance he might have received. But note this, that his parents fault him not for making the choice for himself, but for the choices for himself were of pagan women (Genesis 27:46, 28:6-9).
Jacob: He followed the guidance that his parents gave him on where to find a wife (Genesis 28:2), but he made his own choice as to the bride (Genesis 29:18). Scripture doesn’t fault him having a choice and making the choice for himself.
Samson: He made the choice of his wife for himself, and his parents were involved in arranging the marriage. They were involved and rightfully questioned his choice but the choice was his and also that of his prospective wife. It was not a wise or scriptural choice but it was still his choice, and he pursued the one that he chose for himself (Judges 14:1-3).
David: His parents and family seem to have had no input on his choices for his wives. His first wife was a marriage with a royal princess, Michal the daughter of Saul, so there would have been little input that from his family (I Samuel 18:26-27). His second and third wives, Ahinoam and Abigail, also seem to have been hic choices without any family involvement (I Samuel 25:41-43). These seem to have been his choices before he became king, and of course, after he became king, his choice of any wives after that would have been his alone as his royal prerogative.
Hosea: God commanded him to take a specific kind of wife, and he took the wife God commanded (Hosea 1:2-3). He made the choice that God commanded him, and it was still his choice in this life.
Jeremiah: God told him specifically not to marry (Jeremiah 16:1). This was addressed to him alone, as his choice, and because of that he would not have made the pursuit and the choice of a wife.

Finally, the most compelling example is that of Jesus himself, who came to earth to seek his bride, the church. In light of the comparison of human marriage to Jesus and the church as his bride, I think that this pattern is reflected in the way that he came down from heaven and sought his bride from the lost of humanity, and won them for himself eternally by the cross, to cleave to the church eternally as his bride.

In addition, the Bible does give guidance as to the kinds of women for a man to avoid marrying:

The adulteress or habitual cheater (Proverbs 6:20-7:27)
The occult obsessed woman (Ezekiel 13:17-23, Jeremiah 44:1-30, Revelation 2:20-23)
The feisty, quarrelsome and the violent woman (Proverbs 19:13, 21:9, 21:19, 25:24, 27:15)

So what does this all add up to, and how do we apply this to where we are now? Simply this: it appears that scripture provides wise guidance to a godly path to marriage for men that can apply across cultures and in fact seems to be reflected in most cultures. Again, I don’t think that this rises to the level of precept but of a pattern of wisdom based on creation, and that the pattern of the Old Testament for men to leave, seek, find and cleave for the initiation of marriage.

So then, marriage is therefore dependent upon and in itself an assertion of independent adulthood. Readiness for marriage therefore begins from an assertion of spiritual, financial, emotional and social independence. Let’s make this the first step on the path toward marriageability for young men, preferably from early adolescence. Develop, the self-discipline, reliability and perseverance to be able to leave the nest, earn a living, win a wife, and lead a family. Rather than a list of big directions, first of all begin to think in these terms. Then begin to get your dreams and goals from God, to live in his wisdom, to follow his call for your profession and work. As these dreams become clear, be willing to share these judiciously with a prospective marriage partner. Even more, start with and consider your place in the worldwide mission and purpose which Jesus has given to every believer under heaven until he returns. No man who is following Christ should lack for purpose and meaning in this world. There may be some times of seeking wisdom and guidance for God for specific directions and courses of action (James 1:5), but never for purpose and meaning. The Creation Mandate of Genesis 1:28, already cited, continues with the Son of God giving the Great Commission to bring his gospel to the people of his creation to bring the people of this world back to himself. So start with the following

So, getting back to seeking and finding: while seeking, a man who is following Christ could explain these kinds of things about himself:

Not about casual hookups and one night stands because I am a follower of Jesus and adhere to Biblical sexual morality
About more than a few good times, though I value entertaining and enjoyable dates and the presence of intelligent, humorous and godly women as they happen
Not about trying to convert or change someone else to my own specifications. No pressure, but the goal in my life is Christlikeness and speaking the truth in love and living with a clean conscience.
About doing all that I can to make you feel safe and comfortable about me and when you’re with me
About getting to know other people and enjoying their company and having some good times with them and maybe to help and encourage them on the way
Looking to make a wise and loving decision with prayer, and ultimately with the goal of marriage till death do us part, and seeking to build that on a good and lasting foundation for two people that appears over time together

Unfortunately, many men may never have been given enough wisdom, guidance and encouragement to step forward into kind of independent manhood and adulthood for which God has made them. This often goes along with a lack of success with being able actually to date women and find a workable path to engagement and marriage. The reports are that this is a very big problem in the current culture in North America. Suzanne Venker has written that the problem is related to too much influence of mothers upon the younger men, as far as the United States is concerned: see America is awash in overmothered men. Indeed, one of the descriptions given, often enough by the men themselves who have shifted into an independent, masculine adulthood is that they were feminized, and that the women who held sway over them during their crucial years of childhood and adolescence – sometimes extremely willful, dominating and blatantly abusive women — actively tried to feminize them. Others have also seen feminizing men as a one of the aims and influences of pop feminism, and it’s definitely credible, particularly with some of what’s been written about ‘toxic masculinity.’ It should be obvious at this point in our culture that anytime a woman tries to feminize a man under development – a son, stepson or so on – that is no victory for that woman or any bragging point to other women. Rather, it reduces the pool of marriageable men by one more until and unless that man grows beyond that hideous agenda to his own independent manhood as God has made him. So the result of feminized, developmentally cheated and abused men is that there are less suitable men for other women in the next generation to form marriages in the way that God has made them.

So at this point, it’s worth nothing that the Bible does have a prime example of an ‘over-mothered’ man: Jacob, the son of Isaac and Rebekah, and the ancestor of Israel. Genesis notes that he was the favorite of his mother Rebekah (25:28), and that he was a quiet man who preferred to stay inside (25:27). In a number of ways he was the opposite of his fraternal twin Esau, who was his father’s favorite (25:28) and an outdoorsman and a hunter (25:27). And it’s easy to see that much of what Jacob experienced since leaving home (28:5) was to break him of the manipulativeness he seems to have learned from his mother (27:5-17, then 31:38-39 and 31:41)) and to harden him (31:40), and teach him to trust in God (31:42). God had a purpose for his life, and it wasn’t staying back among the tents being entangled among the apron strings of his otherwise godly mother.

So, as we follow this line of thought further – some years ago secular psychologists such as Brian Gilmartin, Philip Zimbardo and David Burns worked with men having trouble with dating as “love shy.” Brian Gilmartin had the most insightful view of the inner workings of the ‘love shy’ man, but I cannot recommend his work without the huge caution that it includes a lot of occult pseudoscience about past lives and karmic debt alongside the valid observations and guidance. One thing that he does mention, that the others didn’t mention, is the persistent bullying that was directed toward the love shy when they were growing up, and the cumulative traumatic effect of the amount of rejection that the love shy have received. This is something that is often overlooked: the cumulative effect of the constant social rejection of a man both socially and romantically.

The summary of the path Brian Gilmartin, Philip Zimbardo and David Burns agree upon is that men who are having trouble dating need to take a good look at themselves and understand how they appear to the opposite sex. Usually seeking to dress and groom themselves better, develop physical fitness, develop more social curiosity, courtesy and confidence and gain practice dating the opposite sex through casual dating were the common elements in the program. Though these elements cone to the level of good advice, they are definitely good advice for Christian men in this day and age to learn the process for seeking godly women for dating and marriage.

Currently there are some other secular movements among men that have come over the years such as InCel (Involuntarily Celibate), MGTOW (Men Going Their Own Way), Red Pill, and Alpha and Sigma Males verses Beta Males. A number of men in these groups have come out of evangelical churches, in fact, and they probably have a greater influence among young men and single men in our churches than many Christian leaders and parents realize. These movements gain influence through social media nowadays, especially with the glut of immature, undisciplined young men nowadays, and they’re not entirely bad, since they by and large encourage men to dress and groom themselves better, develop physical fitness, develop social acumen in dealing with women, and develop independent manhood and adulthood in their vocation, career and finances. I’ve notice that there are a lot of tech guys who are customers, and I can sympathize that they want to become more productive and successful socially and especially with women. So far so good. But, in passing, young men and young women as well would find better guidance if they started with the book of Proverbs.

These movements developed from the Pickup Artist / Seduction community (Neil Strauss, The Game) from the 1990s into something more respectable than developing a persona and routine to seduce sexually available women. Nowadays their advice seems like a lot of Tony Robbins and some Hugh Hefner. And while some of those in leadership of this movement do seem to have come from an evangelical church background in their youth, some others seem to be simply sex addicts, if not outright sexual predators. some others seem to have been burned by a bad marriage and divorce much like Hugh Hefner was from his first marriage to Mildred Williams. He had saved himself for her sexually while he was in the army – he was from a fairly strict Methodist background — but then was deeply disappointed when he found out that she was sexually active when he was away in the Army. “I had literally saved myself for my wife, but after we had sex she told me that she’d had an affair,” Hugh told Daily Mail in 2007. “That was the most devastating moment in my life.” Their marriage eventually dissolved after a year, and it does seem like a number in the red pill community reacted the same way he did – by becoming a narcissistic seducer and exploiter of women. Still, the advice from men who have been burned can help men to identify and avoid selfish, deceitful, exploitative women, and certainly there will be selfish, deceitful and exploitative women among professing Christian women seeking to date and marry Christian men. Even more, they’re actually speaking about such things as the severe rejection, heartbreak and loneliness that many men experience in the dating world and how this is actually a driver for suicide among men, and how men are far more at risk for suicide than women.

One of the big problems with the ‘red pill’ movement is that they often do also talk about the methodologically suspect findings of evolutionary psychology as underpinnings of their advice to avoid marriage and of their interpretation of some of the behavior of men and women as “biologically determined.” In the behavior which they call hypergamy and monkey branching all I see is calculation, scheming, selfishness, egotism, vanity, exploitation and wicked influences from family, friends and the overall culture. It’s not really so much biologically determined, since it cannot be traced to the determination of the XX chromosomes or hormones. Rather, it is the choices of growing and developing or mature adults, and the adverse and wicked choices that people make in these areas due to original sin – the sin which has infected, influenced and defiled the human race since the fall. And so in line with that, since they consider sexual promiscuity among men as biologically determined, they often counsel men to seek sex outside of marriage as an alternative to marriage or as part of the dating process. So the pool of women that they would lead men to seek are women who do not follow Christ or his standards for marriage and sexuality, and consequently their advice is incomplete, inadequate and often simply immoral and wrong for a man who is sold out to Jesus Christ and is seeking marriage and family according to Biblical standards.

In addition, it’s easy to note, then, that an overabundance of immature, passive or irresponsible men may also lead to women taking things into their own hands as far as pursuing marriage. Indeed, there may be many as well, who are pursuing an unscriptural understanding of what it means to be a strong and independent woman, who may be seeking a passive and immature man whom they believe that will go along with their own life agendas. I believe that many divorces then come when these women find that over the long run such men may become more and more unappealing to them, even as they seek to sabotage and strangle any growth toward strength and independent thinking and initiative among the husbands they have chosen.

So I think that there is a real opportunity for wise and godly men to speak and especially to listen to younger men and men who have had problems over their lives fulfilling godly desires for marriage and family. There’s a real opportunity for the ‘lost boys’ generation of men to become more adventurous, appealing and assertive, and to develop wise and productive habits while living in God’s universe. This kind of ministry should also have a vision for the growing and developing men who are under a heavy influence from their mothers. For instance, the father of one of my high school classmates often included boys from other families on fishing trips and so on in an unnoticed ministry to them.

One of the problems over the years has been that some very unwise men have buttonholed younger men to use them as an audience to their narcissistic pontifications rather than wise men have sought to understand and love in the love of Christ those who have needed their acceptance and ministry in these areas. It will take a lot of listening first rather than pontifications and platitudes. Start by actually befriending them first before offering one word of advice. But even further, I would warn men and women in our churches against going too far with this: do not try to insert yourself into the process of making actual choices of marital partners for those who are seeking marriage if they are not from your own family. If you see something going on that would definitely not be scriptural, do give that warning. But do not toy, try to control or interfere with other people’s lives and decisions that they should be making for themselves before God. I’ve written otherwise about this elsewhere:

Along with this over the years I’ve seen a constant and obstinate mania among many married Christian women to fix up single men and women that I see as contrary to scripture; the only way that I can see that this has spread is that this probably copycat behavior among Christian women. Personally, I’ve refused women who approach me breathlessly and try to fix me up with “ . . . this wonderful woman that they know and I’ve already spoken to her and it’s fine with her . . .” because I feel strongly that it takes away from me my responsibility of seeking and finding. Indeed, it seems often to be an attempt to short-circuit and manipulate my own choices in the manner.

Again, I think that many in our churches, especially middle aged women, who should know better, often copy this behavior from each other as a way of spiritual posturing and do not consider how emasculating it can be for a man. It seems to me that there are many other such behaviors as well that I can only characterize as ‘co-dependent’ propagate among Christian women – and some Christian men, seemingly even some pastors – from social influence from other church people on each other, since many of those who take on such behaviors do not seem to have come from addictive or abusive family backgrounds – but that’s for another blog post currently under development.

There can also be another obstacle for men who do not seem to be all that “successful” at dating women and bringing girlfriends to church functions: that of insinuations and rumors of homosexuality. I’m not sure how prevalent that this is nowadays, though I do believe that this still happens, but I have very rarely seen it addressed among professing believers in Christ. Since I was growing up in the late 1960s and 1970s, there was a huge fear among many men, it seems, that they would either be the target of sexual attraction from other men or that other men with certain stereotypical characteristics would probably be homosexuals. These kinds of characteristics could be as innocuous and innocent as getting good grades in school or being a good musician or being interested in art or theater. Part of the problem is not only the bigotry of the stereotype but also that there is only a small percentage of the population that actually claims to be exclusively homosexual – about 3% is the historically consistent survey result. So the odds are that very few rumored homosexuals really were and are. Yet the insinuation of homosexuality was an often used but extremely despicable sucker punch to a prospective rival or object of hate and jealousy – this occurred even in Roman times among political rivals. It’s also happened to me that a professed Christian tried to pry into my own dating life, and I simply replied that it was none of his business – whereupon he tried then to insinuate that I was homosexual. Now as then, I am simply a male heterosexual who has been seeking to follow Jesus Christ since he first received me and accepted me entirely, at that moment that I responded to his love through faith in him, and his standards for marriage and sexuality in his Word became mine. So then as now, I do not recognize that someone who is almost a total stranger has standing to pry into my dating life.

The thing is that these insinuations and backstabbing rumors of homosexuality then could be an extraordinary burden for a genuinely heterosexual man to seek, find and cleave to a wife. First, these kinds of insinuations and rumors can lead to strong bullying, rejection and isolation from other men and social isolation even in Christian fellowships. This can mean that a man may have difficulty gaining the kinds of legitimate social contacts with godly Christian women who would make good prospects for marriage partners; it may even make it necessary for a godly man to have to seek well outside the social circles and fellowships where he has been spending much of his time and energy if these insinuations and rumors start swirling around. And a dating relationship with any woman would need to be pretty solid for a man to bring his girlfriend into such a situation, lest someone take her aside and share with her what’s been going around about the guy she’s been dating. Even more, the undeserved rejection that would hover around such a man would be something that would be difficult for even the most godly and discerning women to see through to the true character of a godly man, even if the rumors and insinuations had not been made known to them. Then again, there’s reason for a woman to hesitate to date or even to marry a man who might be a homosexual: protection against having her heart being broken, if that man might leave her and reject her sometime later in life. Or there could even be a suspicion that the reason a man whom others have been insinuating is a homosexual might want to date or marry her might be as a smokescreen for his true proclivities. Anyway, this is all the more reason to rebuke, correct and squash these kinds of rumors and insinuations when they happen among believers in Christ. No one wins if it turns out either to be improbably true or probably false, but there’s a whole lot of unnecessary heartbreak either way if it goes through the rumor mill rather than the command to set a brother or sister straight ( Galatians 6:1).

So what do women do in this stuff about seeking, leaving and cleaving? Well, the first thing that I can see from scripture is to become the woman that scripture indicates you need to be, and the classic description is in Proverbs 31:10-30. That passage is in the Hebrew an acrostic poem – each line begins with a different letter of the Hebrew alphabet — and I’m not certain that Solomon was the actual author of that particular passage of Proverbs, though the vast majority of the book is reasonably attributed to him. It looks like whoever arranged the book of Proverbs – maybe a royal scribe or priest under the guidance of the Holy Spirit – considered it great guidance for the people of God for what a wife is to be and what kind of woman to seek. The verses describe a wise and God fearing woman, who isn’t concentrating on her looks, but who is industrious and shows real foresight.

“Who can find a prudent wife? She is much more valuable than rubies.
Her husband trusts in her entirely, and he has no lack of anything of value.
She does him good and gives him no trouble all the days of his life . . .
Beauty is vain, and favor is deceitful, but a wife who fears the LORD – she shall be praised.”

Proverbs 31:10-12 . . . 30.

While Proverbs 31 is a goal and not a demand – it’s what God says you need to become, and it does not add up to a condemnation if you are not there now. If you are a woman of any age, and you see that you fall short of this in any way, God will be on your side if you take this as guidance for the kind of person that you are to be. His grace is sufficient to turn any woman into a Proverbs 31 woman.

But there is a greater secret on how to become a wise and God fearing woman. Although I call this a secret, it’s simply two verses in the New Testament which I believe have been sadly neglected many, many times throughout the history of the church and in the modern church. “The older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not slanderers nor enslaved to much wine, teachers of what is good, so that they might wisely guide the young women to love their husbands, love their children, to be wise, reverent, good workers at home, submissive to their own husbands, so that the Word of God might not be blasphemed” (Titus 2:4-5). With the scriptural emphasis in Proverbs 31 more on what the woman is to be, there is a real ministry of the church for the older women of the church to guide and teach the young women to become Proverbs 31 women — and by extension, to become, to be or to have been such themselves to be capable of this ministry.

And even more, if a woman becomes interested in a particular man, there are two precedents of women who expressed interest in a man whom they wished to marry, in a culturally appropriate way:

Ruth (Ruth 2:4, 9-10)
Abigail (I Samuel 25:31)

Also, there seems to have been assumed a right of refusal of a prospective bride or bridegroom. For instance, in Genesis Rebekah had the right to refuse to leave her family and go to be with Isaac: “And they called to Rebekah and they said to her, ‘Will you go with this man?’ And she said, ‘I will go.’” (Genesis 24:58, Dale’s sight translation; other versions here). If men are actually going out and seeking women to be their brides, they will probably have the most opportunities for refusal, and this has in fact been the historical pattern, that women have been refusing men much more often than men have been refusing women. And when women refuse men, this does need to be done in an honest, safe, and compassionate way, as Christians and adults. There is also another observation on both Rebekah and Ruth: they both made choices themselves to leave their own families of nurture for their marriage. In both situations it was a cultural expectation but even more a step of extraordinary faith in the God of Israel. Though they didn’t know it at the time, their decision gave them extraordinary significance in the plan of God to bring salvation to this world. With all the emphasis on women becoming strong and independent since the inception of modern feminism, it still needs to be said that independence and strength can be characteristics needed for survival from and possibly even leaving a difficult and abusive situation. In terms of human development, however, strength and independence needs to be first of all strong enough and independent enough to leave behind one’s own family for building together a new relationship of mutual strength, support and interdependence of marriage. Note how much strength and independence Ruth, Abigail and Rebekah showed as they stood up in faith and followed the path that was set before them from the God of Israel.

So here’s something that seems to have been going on for a while. Women nowadays seem to be putting together long lists of desired characteristics for the husbands that they want. The characteristics that seem to recur most often are that they are looking for a husband who is tall, handsome, athletic and rich. And the problem is not only will most men not make that grade but that the women themselves making these lists would not be attractive to or suitable partners for the kind of men that they are seeking. I do think that this advice did appear first in Helen Gurley Brown’s book Sex and the Single Girl, and it seems to be a strange undercurrent in some supposedly feminist women. It does seem to be the case that women are emulating other women in making these extraordinarily detailed lists. Rather, I would suggest that a believing woman start with the characteristics in Biblical Reasons for Marriage, and Biblical Guidance for Getting Married (Revised), and look for a godly and responsible man first of all, and someone spiritually stronger and deeper in the scriptures than you are. The God whom I know does take into consideration the desires of his people, and he may bring into your life godly, responsible men who are reasonably attractive as well. And be sure that seeing a genuine possibility of marriage and family with a godly, responsible man who may not entirely fit one’s wish list is not “settling” in any sense of that term. Rather, it’s repudiating false and immature ideas from the surrounding culture and choosing to look at the second most important decision in this life you can make in light of the Word of God. So the first thing would be to make certain that the reasons why a woman or a man would refuse someone who seeks to be a prospective bride or bridegroom are based upon mature reflection upon the scriptures first, and not some list of characteristics based upon immaturity, selfishness, vanity or perhaps even one’s own brokenness and baggage from one’s past.

I would also caution about being very careful with ‘friend zoning’ others of the opposite sex as a way of refusing others as a prospective bride or bridegroom.

There needs to be an understanding that that this can go both ways. Frankly, there have been situations I’ve known about where someone repeatedly says to others that she (most likely) or he ‘just wants to be friend’, and then that person is utterly aghast and outraged when someone does the same back to her. Well, others have right to do so also.
The question can often come up when someone is ‘friend zoned’, if he (most often) has been paying for dates and seeking a dating relationship for a while on whether he is being exploited for free meals and entertainment by someone who would never give that person a realistic chance at ever becoming a husband or wife. If a man has been spending time and money on a woman and has been receiving what seems to have been genuine reciprocity of romantic affection and interest, and suddenly she ends it with a vehement denial of any interest at all and just wanting to be friends, what does that make her? This is what I’ve grown to call the “scorched earth” rejection, and it seems to a fairly common script aimed at destroying any future hope in the man for anything more than a supposed friendship from that woman. Moreover, this kind of rejection defiles the memories of all that has gone on in the relationship, that the good times that he thought they were having really weren’t all that good, and this sense of being exploited, deceived and manipulated seems to devastate something within a man who has been putting his best foot forward for someone for whom he may have come to care a great deal.
Do not quickly and easily permanently demote a godly, responsible and attractive man to the friend zone if you have good reason to believe that God actually brought him into your life and you may have actually been dating him and spending time with him. I’m addressing women, but some men do this also. Lots of times men and women believe that they see God bringing men and women into their lives, and they might actually see each other as prospects for marriage and spend time together and start dating. Give it time and prayer rather than immediately, and perhaps quite harshly, friend zoning him if he seems to be developing romantic feelings for you and considering you as someone he could possibly marry. If you actually start dating a godly man, and he expresses in some way that he is actually considering you for marriage, it’s all right to say that you’re not there yet if you’re not there yet, especially if you actually do see him as someone that you could legitimately marry – even if your feelings aren’t there at the moment. It’s said that women generally take longer than men to come to the point where they can see the man they’ve been dating as someone they want to marry. It may just take a little more time for one of you to come to that point where both of you want to marry each each other. Don’t break the heart of a believing, godly man or woman with a harsh rejection if you have good reasons to see that God brought him or her into your life and he or she is a legitimate marriage prospect.
Don’t be afraid to issue an ultimatum if you think you are being illegitimately kept in the friend zone by a fellow believer who is a legitimate marriage prospect. I’ll just refer you to Tim and Kathleen Keller’s book about the circumstances which led to their marriage in The Meaning of Marriage. She found herself in the position where she had to issue an ultimatum to him to get out of the friend zone. And I would advise anyone who receives such an ultimatum to take it to heart with due consideration and prayer rather than any kind of immediate and harsh rejection. It may be if you had no intention of marrying or even giving that person reasonable consideration of marriage, that you need to issue a humble and heartfelt apology for exploiting the other person’s time, affections and even money with a faux dating relationship for your own convenience.
Let the person whom you think has no chance know about it as gracefully as possible, so that person can seek other opportunities. That person that you think today may not have a chance with you may be or grow into a loving spouse for another person. Let that person go gracefully and maybe grow. And if you change your mind later on, be prepared to say so and give reasons why you may have been mistaken in ‘friend zoning’ that person. Unless you do so, that person has every right to be suspicious that you’re just going back and trying to keep him or her on the line until you find someone that you like better and think would be a better spouse.
Especially for women: have a real concern for your own personal safety if you’re in the position of having to refuse someone who is extremely persistent and who may in fact be obsessed and possibly even mentally disturbed. Keep the discussion brief, don’t offer reasons that might feed a false hope, and do so in a public place or near to another person whom you trust that might be of help if there is physical danger. Years ago the situation with my friend Lisa Hullinger showed that it can be a real mortal danger to be alone with a disturbed person if you’re in the place of giving as gracious refusal as possible to someone who may be obsessed and possibly disturbed.

I think that this guidance from Genesis shows that the best and wisest way is for parents to raise their children to an independent adulthood, to prepare them for a life outside the family of supporting themselves as independent adults. Often parents may treat their children with undue dominance, intrusion and interference throughout their development, and even seek to short circuit their development as independent adults, because the parents like their role as parents more than they value the future happiness and independence of their children. This kind of emotional exploitation and dependence of parents on holding their children back from adulthood is extremely disruptive to marriageability and a properly independent marriage for their children.

At some time parents must face that they will need to separate from their children as they grow into adults. Giving their children to adulthood and in marriage means that the parents need to let them go and not try to cling onto the past and hold their children back from the future for which God created them. This still needs to happen even if holding onto their role as parents comes from deep personal insecurities and desire to keep another person dependent on them and under their control.

Likewise, for couples getting married, this means assertion of their adulthood, their choices and their marriage even in the face of parents who may continue to have difficulties letting go. They will need to establish suitable boundaries for intimacy at the beginning of marriage for their marriage to become closer to what God intended, and for that I will simply refer them to scripture, prayer, discussion and any counsel and wisdom that they may need to seek.

The extent to which this interference may come from insecure and emotionally dependent and immature parents may be found in the case files of the eminent Christian physician Paul Tournier. He’s one of those authors that I wish that I had more time and resources to read, but that’s beside the point I wish to make. He had as a patient who was young woman suffering from stomach trouble. As he talked with her, he discovered that she was due to be married soon, but that her mother had always treated her like a little girl and kept her from making her own decisions. In fact, she had already had two engagements broken off when her mother fell ill as the wedding approached. So Tournier gave her some wise counsel when he explained to her and her fiancé that they must not under any circumstances postpone the wedding. He then went on to write to the mother as well. As it turned out, with this counsel, both the mother and daughter were in good health a few months after the wedding.

Later, in scripture, there’s also this bit of wisdom from Ecclesiastes on the normality of everyday life in marriage as good in this life: “Go thy way, eat thy bread with joy, and drink thy wine with a merry heart, for God now accepteth thy works. Let thy garments always be white, and let thy head lack no ointment. Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the says of the life of thy vanity: for that is thy portion in this life and in thy labour which thou takest under the sun. Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, do it with all thy might; for there is no work, or device, nor knowledge, nor wisdom, in the grave, whither thou goest” (Ecclesiastes 9:7-10, King James Version). See further — God’s Gift of a Normal Life.

According to God’s design, then, marriage then provides the best opportunity for the deepest intimacy possible on earth for two human beings. Marriage and marital intimacy was intended from the first to be the deepest knowledge, understanding, cooperation, loyalty and companionship that can be achieved for a lifetime. It makes a kind of shared nakedness and intimacy of spirit, soul and body, of mind, will and emotions, that came from the very design and prototype of Genesis.

So scripture goes on to conclude this passage with this simple declaration: “And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and they were not ashamed.” (verse 25).

It’s a brief, profound and reverent statement that the first marriage meant physical nakedness without shame. It’s suggestive of an innocence that was more than physical, went to the whole realm of human intimacy, and was intended to continue throughout their lifetime on earth. It’s also suggestive of a a profoundly deep level of attachment and connection that would include but would go beyond the sexual.

The definite implication is that sexual life was one part of this intimacy, attachment and connection between husband and wife before the fall of man. I’ve heard how some have mistakenly identified sex, rather than the eating of the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, as the sin which led to the fall of man in the Garden of Eden but this is clearly contradicted by chapter 3 that the sin was eating from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil – the definite transgression of an explicit commandment — and also by this brief statement of nakedness without shame. It’s extreme and frankly insane to see any kind of divine prohibition of sex to Adam and Eve before the fall of humanity. In fact, it’s reasonable to see that sex between Adam and Eve in their innocence in the Garden of Eden before the fall of humanity would be more like what the modern sexual revolution has claimed as its ideal: entirely natural, fulfilling and without any shame before God and all creation. In this state of perfect innocence, before sin entered the world, the clear guidance of scripture is that both male and female sexuality were perfectly good and right in themselves, and presumably in the state of innocence it was as loving as it could be.

But to go further — this little statement shows how monstrously the fallen nature of people now disrupts and defiles this intimacy across cultures and throughout time through pornography, abuse, adultery and divorce. This original innocence cries out for restoration, and this means that there is even more the place for the restorative grace of God through Jesus Christ and the fruit of the Holy Spirit when it comes to restoring the intimacy of the marriages of men and women who have experienced the degradation of sin upon their marriage and their sexuality.

Because of the loss of sinless innocence, one flesh intimacy in the bond of earthly marriage needs special care, nurturing and protection in this world. Of course this means the protection of marital faithfulness and physical modesty as a normal line of defense of one flesh intimacy. One thing that needs to be stated in this day and age is that the goal in marriage is not to be a temporary union of two strong, independent people. The one flesh relationship should entail a continuous transition from being strong and independent enough to leave the original family to enter into and become enfolded into a greater interdependent relationship. Of course over the course of time this will mean the surrender of independent habits and traits and desires to become mutually interdependent. And this doesn’t mean one partner necessarily always surrendering to the other but rather a due adult consideration of all that it means in becoming interdependent as those in the one flesh membership in marriage. And of course, this needs to come under the guidance and empowering of the Lord Jesus himself in both partners.

Thus there needs to be care to show encouragement and spiritual sharing and affection: Christlikeness in thought, word and action from both partners in the marriage toward the other partner in the marriage. Here are six areas which I will note as a starting point, and my long married friends can no doubt add more.

The first area in which I see immediate needs for seeking to live out Christlike behavior in a marriage is in the case of anger. Scripture gives a lot of guidance to believers on how they are to understand and handle anger. All anger is not sin, but our natural tendency to act out anger in sinful ways – ways which Paul lists among “the works of the flesh” (Galatians 5:29). A great deal of marital violence originates in anger, where it is not the coldly calculated strategy of one partner to subjugate the other partner – but that’s not what I mean here. It’s simmering, vindictive vengefulness for often small offenses, or temper tantrums and fits of rage where one’s selfishness and sense of superiority are thwarted. So scripture says, “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your provocation, and do not give a place for the devil” (Ephesians 4:26-27).

The second area is the the area of lying. The scriptural standard is “ . . . speaking the truth in love . . .” (Ephesians 4:5) as a mark of living in and growing in Christlikeness. So scripture says, “Therefore, put aside lying and each of you speak the truth toward his or her neighbor, since we are members of each other . . .” (Ephesians 4:25). This passage is directed first of all to believers in the body of Christ, but then how much more should it apply to believers united not only as members of the body of Christ but those who are united even closer in marriage.

The third area is the area of judgmentalism toward the spouse. Have you ever seen two marital partners where one seems to be stuck in ‘autocorrect’ toward the other one? Where nothing that the other person says is right but always must be constantly evaluated and judged by the other? Please consider how much each one needs to practice Matthew 7:1-5 toward the other. This does not mean there is no place to call the other to account if there has been lying or something like that, but a determined and hypocritical setting of oneself in the place of judgment over the spouse for everything:

“Do not judge, and you will not be judged; for in that judgment which you judge you will be judged, and by that measure which you measure you will be measured. And why do you see the speck in the eye of your brother or sister, and you do not notice the beam in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother or sister, ‘Here, I’ll take out the speck from your eye,” and, see here, there is a beam in your own eye? Hypocrite, throw out first the beam in your own eye, and you will see clearly to take out the speck from the eye of your brother or sister.”

The fourth area is in the area of complaining to others about the spouse. “Do all things without complaining and arguing, that you might be blameless and innocent, faultless children of God, in the middle of a crooked and shattered generation, in which you shine as stars in the universe” (Philippians 2:14-15).

The fifth area is being stubborn or even going to raging tantrums in the face of even gentle, godly correction and the mildest suggestions. Being open to correction is part of the way of godliness (Psalm 141:5, Proverbs 9:8, 19:5, 25:12).

The final area is the overarching area of just plain old selfishness. This comes down to living out in the marriage first of all Philippians 2:1-11:

“If there is any encouragement in Christ, if there is any comfort from love, if there is any fellowship of the Spirit, if there is any compassion and mercy, fulfill my joy that you direct your thoughts to the same things as you have the same love, being of one soul, as you think this one thing neither according to rivalry or glory-seeking, as you consider each other in humility higher priority than yourselves, each of you not setting your sights on your own concerns but all of you toward the other. Have this one thought among you which was also in Christ Jesus, who was in the form of God, but did not consider being equal to God as something to be used to his own advantage, but he emptied himself as he took on the from of a slave and being in the likeness of humanity; and once he was found in the schema of a human being, he humbled himself as he became obedience until death — even death on a cross. Therefore God also lifted him on high and gave to him the name which is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of things in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue should acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.”

This will mean an active living out of Christlikeness for both husband and wife, of turning from the selfishness of considering only what one has received to Christlike giving to impart what is necessary, loving and gracious possible through Jesus Christ. So the upshot is that years of marriage should refine fellow believers so that they become more honest, less selfish, more willing to forgo their own immediate wants and desires and more willing to serve, and more willing to forgive and become angry when they don’t get their way. And this is something that we cannot expect believers to achieve on their own, but to go first to their own knees before God, to seek the power of Jesus Christ through the Holy Spirit to grow to live within their marriage as if Jesus were himself living in their circumstances.

How crucial this can be comes from an old story of newly married couple traveling by train on their honeymoon The husband of older couple looked across the aisle and asked, “Is there a third party going with you on your honeymoon? When Sarah and I were married, we invited Jesus into our marriage. One of the first things that we did in our new home was to kneel and ask Jesus to make our marriage a love triangle – Sarah, myself and Jesus. And all three of us have been in love with each other for all 50 years of our married life.”

God designed intimacy in marriage for both men and women, and even unbelievers can achieve good, solid marriages and substantial intimacy simply because they were made for it and because of their development of adult ways of loving and intimacy. But the witness of lives across time and cultures is that the husband and wife who follow Christ together will find intimacy on a deeper level and with greater strength because of the purifying work of the Holy Spirit. And so the result of God’s design is a marriage and a family; his design then means that there is human responsibility to make it work in line with his grace.

It is amazing how well the traditional wedding vows express marital one flesh intimacy. Definitely couples planning to be married and those who are married should regularly reflect and consider these vows for themselves:

Groom: I,____, take thee,_____, to be my wedded Wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part, according to God’s holy ordinance; and thereto I plight thee my troth.

Bride: I,_____, take thee,_____, to be my wedded Husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love, cherish, and to obey, till death us do part, according to God’s holy ordinance; and thereto I give thee my troth.

God made men and women for marriage, and therefore God’s design provides the foundation for a stable, godly and happy marriage. While sin has twisted the design of marriage, has corrupted and defaced what it means to be a man or a woman, and has distorted family life and sexual intimacy, the grace of God is there to provide restoration through Jesus Christ. The first step to family restoration and happiness is therefore reconciliation to the Creator by faith in Jesus Christ, to receive and make peace with God through Jesus Christ. Then through Christ, through the power to live a new life through the Holy Spirit, marriages and families can be transformed also, and his power gives his people the capability to overcome their own brokenness and baggage that defiles their families and marriages. The power of Christ can mean a genuine and a growing Christlikeness in the marriage and the family, and his power can mean that there the fruit of the Spirit can be shown there most clearly. Finally Christ then becomes the hope for the marriage that is dying, the marriage that is stuck in a rut of unhappiness and the marriage that needs a new beginning.

The preparation for marriage begins with the Word of God. For young men and women, especially as they enter adolescence, this means learning how, in whatever way, in whatever time or culture one lives in, to learn to seek and find a spouse in a godly way. This also means laying the foundation of the development of an independent adulthood that is able to give itself totally to the spouse. This means that there needs to be renewed and constant attention within the Church of Jesus Christ especially to the responsibility of both parents and children for development of masculine and feminine identity with security and confidence, for proper independence and responsibility, and to live with proper Christlike love and respect for others of the opposite sex as God’s creation also. Each sentence here could fill a volume with specific applications – but that volume should be the autobiography of people who are seeking God, and not so much a series of rules and advice.

This means that married men and women can and should show each other appreciation and reverence for each other as the creation of God, as both made in his image. This begins with the simple and scriptural understanding and acceptance of yourself as a man or woman by the creation and design of God and his intention from the very beginning. It includes then the stark and wonderful realization that the ways that you are alike and different from your spouse are also by the design and intention of God. Of course this then calls for even more of the wisdom, patience and compassion of God to live in Christlike harmony, and then for the husband to cherish the wife with reverence and respect and for the wife to do the same, to be the companions and partners as God intended for his glory.

Finally, the most important thing for both married and unmarried people, though, is to understand that there is one perfect person that God wants to be at the center of your life, and that is Jesus Christ, the Son of God. It isn’t marriage in itself but entering the personal relationship with God through faith in Christ that makes anyone a complete person. So come to him in repentance and faith first of all, and make him your Lord and Savior of your life.

Preaching Point

A place to listen to, consider and ponder what the Bible has to say to us today. "Tell me the story of Jesus, write on my heart every word. Tell me the story most precious, sweetest that ever was heard."

Ex military within the Church? Now Hear This!

The Path of the Suffering Servant

Prototype

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